First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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