Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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