Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
