My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
