Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Randomize
