dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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