Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
