and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
