I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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