Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
