So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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