Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
