good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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