Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
