I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this boner is exhausting
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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