How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize