god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The struggles of a small town man whore
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