I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
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Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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