Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
