Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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