i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
