Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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