just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
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I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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