it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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