i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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