i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
