She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
