ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
