Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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