i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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