my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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