im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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