I checked into jail on foursquare
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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