i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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