Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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