It's like a parade of train wrecks.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
