you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
