best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
