I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so explain again why im purple
no
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
