You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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