I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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