Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
