I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
