You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
