The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
