Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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