the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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