the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
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I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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