Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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