I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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