The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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