You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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