Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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