One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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