i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
then he tried to convert me to islam
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
